Positive reinforcement 04
SARAH
She walked into the hallway, her blouse still unbuttoned. She stopped for a moment outside Heidi’s door. She could hear the creak of the bed as she got up, bare feet moving slowly across the floor, then a furtive sound of something being picked up. Her something.
A smile formed on her face. She took a step, another, and then felt something inside her collapse.
—God...—she said, dropping to her knees in the hallway, her legs giving out, one hand pressing against the wall to keep from falling completely. The other hand pressed against her chest, closing the open blouse over the marked skin. She was struggling to breathe.
Suddenly she became aware of what she’d done.
It wasn’t a thought. It was a wave rising from her stomach to her throat.
—God—she repeated. Her voice came out broken.
She rested her forehead against the wall.
She heard a noise inside Heidi’s room. Footsteps. Moving toward the door.
Sarah shot to her feet. Stumbled down the hallway, reached her room, opened the door, went in, closed it behind her with a sharp slam.
Ethan didn’t move. He was snoring, on his back. Sarah stayed pressed against the door, panting. Her blouse was still open. She buttoned it with clumsy movements, one, two, three buttons. She didn’t look at the bed, didn’t look at Ethan. She went to the bathroom, closed the door, and locked it.
In the mirror, her face belonged to someone else.
She splashed cold water on her face. Once. Again. Water ran down her neck, soaking the edge of her blouse.
She stayed bent over the sink, watching the drops fall onto the porcelain.
—Are you okay?—Ethan asked when she came out of the bathroom.
—Yes—she said, her voice barely there—. I can’t sleep.
—Insomnia?—Ethan sat up—. Want me to make you tea?
—No, I can do it.
She got up, went to the closet, and took out the biggest blouse she could find. The one she wore on days she didn’t want to incite Ethan to anything.
When she stepped into the hallway, she ed by Heidi’s door. She didn’t touch it, didn’t even look at it. She moved away as fast as she could.
Heidi
—Good morning—she said, getting into the car.
—Good morning. How’d you sleep?—Ethan asked.
Sarah didn’t turn around. Heidi saw the back of her neck, the way her shoulders were tense, how her hands were clenched on her thighs.
—Fine... fine—Heidi answered.
—Who’s ready for a family trip?—Ethan started the car—. Nobody forgot anything? Sweetheart?
Sarah took a moment to answer. Her fingers tangled for a moment before letting go.
—No—she said. Her voice sounded forced—. Let’s go.
Heidi waited for her to look at her in the rearview mirror. She didn’t. Sarah stared out the window. The landscape, the cars, the signs. Anything that wasn’t her.
—Is it far?—Heidi asked, trying to get her mother to answer.
—An hour—Ethan answered instead—. You tired?
—No.
—You, sweetheart?—Ethan looked at Sarah.
—No—she repeated, not moving.
Heidi looked at the mirror again. Sarah was still in profile. But this time, for a second, her eyes shifted. They met Heidi’s in the glass. A moment. Nothing more. Then Sarah looked back at the landscape.
—There was only one room available—Ethan said, coming back from reception—. High season.
Neither of them said anything. Ethan carried the heavier bags. Heidi took one, Sarah another.
The room wasn’t very big. Two beds. One large, a double. Another smaller one by the window. Sarah left her bag on the large bed. Heidi on the smaller one. Ethan stretched out on the large bed.
—Should we go down to the beach?—Ethan asked.
—I’m going to change—Sarah announced.
—You want me to come with you?—Heidi asked, almost desperate, but Sarah didn’t even bother answering. She went into the bathroom and locked the door. The door took a while to open. Heidi sat by the window. Sarah came out wearing an oversized blouse that showed nothing but her legs.
—Aren’t you going to put your bikini on?—Ethan asked.
—I don’t need it. I’m not going in the water.
Heidi, who’d been trying to pretend she wasn’t looking at Sarah, turned sharply and went into the bathroom, slamming the door. When she came out she was wearing a bikini. The fabric covered most of her breasts. The bottom was high-cut, hugging her hips, the fit tight.
She crossed the room to her bed without looking at anyone. Bent over her bag, like she was looking for something. Ethan stared at her a second too long. Cleared his throat. Said something about towels and left quickly.
Sarah didn’t move. She stood by the large bed, the huge blouse on, arms crossed.
Heidi stayed with her back turned. She knew her mother was watching her. She could feel her gaze on her back, on her hips, on the edge of the bikini clinging to her ass. She spun around. Sarah didn’t have time to look away. They were face to face. Sarah’s cheeks were red, her lips parted. She said nothing. Heidi smiled slowly, her eyes still locked on Sarah’s.
SARAH
When she got to the beach, Heidi was lying on the sand. A guy not much older than her was talking to her. He was pretty tall, muscular but not exaggerated, standing very close to her.
Without a word, Sarah lay down to Heidi’s right and stared at the guy with hostility.
—Hey... I’m Ralph, you must be Heidi’s sister—he said with a charming smile.
—I’m her mother—she exhaled.
—Oh, it’s just that you... you look so young—he said, clearing his throat and moving a bit farther from Heidi, who hadn’t turned to look at her mother.
—Ralph...—Heidi said, in a flirty tone.
—Yeah.
—I want ice cream.
—Oh sure, you want me to get it...—was all he managed before Heidi took his arm and stood up. As she walked away, she swayed her hips.
—Shit—Sarah said when they were far enough, kicking the sand.
She didn’t see Heidi again until sunset. Her hair was messy and she was laughing.
—There you are—Heidi said, lying across her legs—. I told you how soft your skin is—she said, running her hand along her thigh.
—Are you drunk?—Sarah said, angry, catching the sour smell coming off Heidi.
—Just a little—she said, making a gesture with her fingers—. Don’t be mad, Ma.
—How can I not be? Was Ralph the one who gave you beer?
—Maybe—Heidi said, eyes closed—. Jealous?
—I don’t know what you’re talking about—Sarah said, pushing her hands off her thigh.
—Why did you do that?
—Because you shouldn’t touch me like that—Sarah said. Her voice came out harsher than she meant.
—Why?
—Because I’m your mother.
—You didn’t care yesterday.
—That was just... an accident.
—No—Heidi whispered.
Heidi sat up, moving beside her, so close Sarah could feel her breathing. Heidi started touching her face.
—You’re cold.
—I...
And while she was trying to get a word out, Heidi leaned in and her lips met hers. For a moment Sarah didn’t move. There was an exchange of fluid, of heat. Then it broke abruptly when Sarah jumped to her feet. She almost fell running away.
HEIDI
Heidi stayed still. The alcohol had suddenly worn off. And she was crying. She wanted to go after her mother and apologize but didn’t know how. And she didn’t feel like she’d mean it.
—Where were you?—Ethan said, raising his voice, trying to fake authority when she walked into the room in the early morning.
—At the beach—Heidi answered, her voice flat.
Sarah didn’t ask her anything. Ever since she’d come into the room she’d lain down and was apparently asleep.
—Good morning—Ethan said, watching TV.
—Morning—Heidi said dryly—. Where’s... Mom?—she asked when she saw she wasn’t in bed or next to Ethan.
—She left early, said she’d take a walk on the beach. She’s probably downstairs having breakfast. You hungry?
—Yeah...
They went down. At reception Heidi looked around furtively, not saying anything. When they reached the cafeteria, there were lots of families.
—She’s not answering. Must’ve eaten fast and went back to the beach—Ethan said, unconcerned, sitting at a nearby table.
Heidi said she was going to the bathroom. She did, but she went looking for her mother. She didn’t find her.
—I’m not hungry...—she said when she came back, heading out to the beach.
It took half an hour until she found her. She was sitting in the sand.
She approached quietly. Sarah only knew she was there when her shadow blocked the sun for a second, then the weight of a body sinking down beside her. She didn’t know what to say, so she didn’t.
Sarah had her knees pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around them. Then she sighed and spoke.
—Did you have breakfast?—Sarah asked her.
Her voice sounded strange. Like she was making an effort to sound normal.
—No—Heidi answered—. You?
—No...
Sarah turned her head toward her and said:
—We’re not talking about this weekend again. Understand?
—Yes—Heidi accepted, resigned.
—Good...
Sarah leaned into her lips and kissed her. Heidi responded immediately. She didn’t care about the absolute contradiction of the moment. Sarah put her tongue in. Heidi never knew her mother could be so vulgar.
—I-I—she stammered.
—Heidi, you need to pay attention—she said, her voice authoritative—. We’re not talking about this weekend again...
Heidi looked at her, confused.
—...but there are still a couple of hours left—Sarah finished, her tone light, almost playful, with a smile that didn’t quite complete itself.
She stood up, brushed the sand off her thighs.
—I’m going to have breakfast. You coming?
She ran after her and without thinking took her hand. Sarah squeezed it.
—There you are, I was starting to worry—Ethan said, finishing his breakfast.
—I needed some air—Sarah excused herself.
—Speaking of which, would you mind if I went to the local museum? It’d take a couple of hours, and I know Heidi’s not really into it... unless you want to come with me—Ethan asked.
—I think I’ll this time, honey. Girls’ time, right Heidi?
—Yeah—she said, excited and scared.
Sarah
The moment Ethan was gone and she made sure of it, never taking her eyes off him, she left her plate behind and, without a word to Heidi who had a piece of fruit in her mouth, she took her by the hand.
She didn’t let go. They walked through the dining area, Heidi half a step behind, letting herself be led. Her hand was gripped around Heidi’s like she was afraid she’d disappear if she didn’t hold tight.
In the elevator, she pushed her against the wall. It wasn’t rough, it was deliberate.
They stood face to face. The elevator mirror showed them back: two women with flushed cheeks and quick breath. Sarah’s eyes were fixed on Heidi’s. She wasn’t looking at her body. She wasn’t looking at her lips. She was looking at her.
—A-Are you sure?—Heidi asked, her voice shaking, her whole body shaking.
—Don’t talk—she put a finger to her lips and then kissed her.
Sarah’s tongue found Heidi’s before she could think. Heidi moaned into her mouth. The sound escaped without permission.
When the elevator doors opened, they barely managed to pull apart enough to get out. They threw themselves onto the bed and Heidi started groping her breasts, and she moaned.
—S-So big—Heidi exhaled, incoherent.
—Don’t talk—Sarah repeated.
—Ahem—a voice interrupted from behind.
They both froze, their tongues still ed, Heidi on top of Sarah.