Positive reinforcement 2
WEEK 4
HEIDI
She hadn’t been able to sleep. Her head kept spinning. She almost threw up in the hallway. In the end, she spent most of the night in the living room.
When she woke up, her mother had already gone downstairs to make breakfast. She was wearing a semi-transparent nightgown—something her mother probably hadn’t realized.
The straps were doing their best, but they looked like they were about to snap. A part of her, a very small part, wanted them to. It wasn’t lust, it was curiosity. Or at least that’s what she told herself over and over as she watched her mother make pancakes.
—Maple?—her mother repeated.
—Sorry?—Heidi reacted.
—Do you want maple syrup? Are you feeling okay, sweetheart?
—I had a couple of nightmares. That’s all.
—I’ve been having them too lately. Maybe it’s something we’re eating.
Sarah bent down to serve the pancakes. Heidi almost swore the nightgown straps snapped. She looked for a second, then turned her gaze toward the window.
—Coffee?—Sarah asked without looking at her.
—Yes.
—With milk?
—Yes.
It sounded automatic. They both noticed. Neither said anything.
SARAH
—Ethan?
Heidi seemed just as upset.
—I thought this was mother-daughter therapy—she protested.
—That’s true, but the root of the problem goes beyond your relationship. How can you pretend to be a united family if you exclude your father?—Dr. Valery argued.
—Stepfather—Heidi corrected, angry.
—That’s one of the problems. When we’re done, maybe you can stop seeing him as your stepfather and more as your father.
—Yeah, sure...
—Heidi...—Sarah said. It wasn’t a shout, more like a whisper.
—Fine, fine—Heidi said. She gave in easily lately when Sarah asked her to.
—Ethan is an indispensable member of our family...—they both said in unison.
Heidi was clearly just going along with it, but at least she did it without arguing.
—Thank you, girls. I think now we can focus once more on your relationship.
—Sarah, could you start by saying something positive about Heidi?
—She’s a very cheerful person... She’s really charming.
—Excellent, Sarah, but we’ve already discussed that. For now, we’re focusing on the physical.
—Well, I...—she wasn’t embarrassed by the question, but by Ethan. What would he think when she said something about Heidi’s body?
—Hey sweetheart, you can say anything here. There are no wrong answers—Ethan interrupted, like he was reading her mind.
—Well said, Ethan. I’m glad you understand the exercise—Dr. Valery praised him.
—Well... she’s sexy—Sarah said shyly.
—Good... but we’ve said that a lot. How about we focus on something specific? What makes you say she’s sexy?
—Something?
—Yes. What part of her seems sexy to you?
—H-Her body.
—Of course, her body. But what part of her body?
—Her face.
—She has a pretty face—Ethan added with a smile.
—She does, but I think your answer is mostly limited by modesty. And between families, there is no modesty. So I want you to imagine what a guy would consider sexy about Heidi.
—I’m not sure.
—Of course you know, Sarah. Please try. Do it for your family.
—Her butt... It’s well-defined.
Heidi lowered her head as soon as she heard it.
—And you find it sexy?
—Yes.
—Tell her.
—Heidi, you have a nice butt.
—No, Sarah. Say it properly.
—You have sexy... butt.
—And you like it.
—And I like it.
Heidi didn’t dare look at her. She was equally embarrassed, if not more.
—With a little enthusiasm, Sarah.
—Your butt is sexy. I like it.
—Excellent. Your turn, Heidi.
Heidi was flushed, and when she tried to speak, no words came out. She was frozen.
—It’s okay, sweetheart. You can say it—Sarah said, holding her hands.
—I like...—nobody heard what she tried to say.
—Louder, please. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
—Your chest.
—Excuse me?—the doctor said.
—I like your chest.
—Why?—Valery insisted.
—It’s big.
Sarah didn’t let go of her hands, but they both started sweating.
—Now tell her while looking into her eyes, please.
—I like your chest... It’s big.
And so they both began repeating it. The only one who didn’t do anything was Ethan, who seemed to be getting along well with Dr. Valery—after all, he was the one who had ed him.
WEEK 5
HEIDI
She dreamed about the kitchen. Her mother was topless. Her breasts were so big they covered the table. The three of them ate pancakes on top of them. It looked like an idyllic scene from some nineties show.
When she woke up, she was sweaty. Especially between her legs.
She stared at the ceiling for a while. The image wouldn’t go away. The pancakes. The table. Her mother’s tits holding up the plates. In the dream, no one seemed to think it was strange.
Ethan was buttering a roll. She was laughing. Everyone was laughing.
She got up and changed her underwear. It was soaked.
—Are you ready, sweetheart?—her mother said before entering her room without knocking.
—Almost, Mommy.
She was struggling with her leggings. It wasn’t that she was going to exercise. It was just that now it was all she wore.
Her mother, on the other hand, only wore low-cut clothes. It didn’t matter if it was hot or cold.
In the kitchen, Sarah had already set the table. She was wearing a black blouse, the kind that shows half the chest if you lean forward. And she leaned forward a lot.
Heidi looked at the cleavage. Then the window. Then the cleavage again.
—Did you sleep well?—Sarah asked without looking up.
—Yes.
It was a lie. Or maybe it wasn’t.
—Do you want to go to the movies today?
—That’s fine with me... Will Ethan go?
—I think so. Does it bother you?
—No.
It was true. Lately, his presence felt necessary to her. Not comfortable. Necessary.
HEIDI
The movie theater was dark when the previews started.
On screen, a car exploded. Then someone said something funny. People laughed. Heidi didn’t.
She was looking at her mother’s arm.
It was on the armrest between them, raised.
Her hand hung slightly toward Heidi’s side.
Heidi looked at the screen. Then the arm. Then the screen again.
Sarah’s skin glowed faintly in the light from the movie. She had a small mole near her wrist. Heidi had never noticed it before.
Twenty minutes ed. Maybe thirty.
Heidi hadn’t paid attention to anything on screen.
She moved her hand toward the armrest. Just a little. The distance between her hand and her mother’s arm was a few centimeters now. She looked at Ethan. He was watching the movie.
Heidi looked at her mother’s arm again.
She could almost feel her.
Then, without warning, Sarah’s hand moved.
Just a little. But enough so her palm turned face up, right next to Heidi’s hand.
It was an invitation. Heidi swallowed. Looked at the screen again. A couple was kissing. She didn’t know who they were. Looked at Ethan again. He was still the same.
Then at her mother’s hand. At that mole.
She decided. Put her hand over Sarah’s.
She didn’t grab it. Didn’t stroke it. Just covered it.
Her mother’s skin was soft and warm. It felt small under hers, even though they were almost the same size.
Sarah didn’t move.
Heidi waited. One second. Ten. Thirty.
No one moved.
Then, slowly, Sarah’s fingers curled upward. Just a little. Just enough to brush the back of Heidi’s hand.
That was all.
The rest of the movie, their hands stayed like that. One over the other. Sarah’s fingers barely touching Heidi’s skin.
When the lights came on, Heidi pulled her hand away.
Ethan got up from his seat.
—That was good—he said.
No one answered.
SARAH
That night she couldn’t sleep.
She got up three times. First to the bathroom. Second to the kitchen for water. Third she just sat on the bed, in the dark, staring at the door.
Ethan slept next to her. His breathing was calm.
At the movies, when Heidi put her hand over hers, Sarah felt something a mother shouldn’t feel for her daughter: lust.
She ran her hand through her hair. She was going crazy.
She went to the hallway. Heidi’s door was closed. A line of light showed underneath.
Sarah went closer. Quiet.
Stood in front of the door. One minute. Two.
Raised her hand to knock.
Didn’t.
Went back to her room.
In bed, she closed her eyes and thought about Heidi’s hand over hers.
Couldn’t sleep.
HEIDI
It was Sunday. Ethan had mentioned something about a barbecue at Simón’s place. His friend from the miracle family. The perfect family.
Heidi didn’t want to go.
But she didn’t want to stay either.
She got up. In the bathroom, she looked at herself in the mirror. Saw her ass, and wondered if her mother saw it.
Got in the shower. Closed her eyes while the water ran. The image came on its own: her mother’s hand under hers. The skin. The mole.
Heidi opened her eyes.
The water kept falling.
Closed her eyes again.
This time it was her mother’s breasts. The size. The shape they probably had. The color.
When she went down to the kitchen, Sarah was already there.
She was wearing a light dress. Pale yellow. The neckline wasn’t particularly low. But on her, it was.
They looked at each other.
—Good morning—Sarah said.
—Good morning.
Heidi sat at the table. Sarah poured coffee. Put the cup in front of her.
Their hands didn’t touch.
But they were close.
—Are you coming to the barbecue?—Sarah asked, not sitting down yet.
—I don’t know.
—Ethan insists you come with us.
—Do you want me to come?—Heidi asked.
The silence lasted long enough for both of them to notice.
—Yes—Sarah finally said—. I want you to come.
Heidi nodded.
—Okay. I’ll go.
Simón’s house was big. Not luxurious, but designed to impress. The yard had a stone grill that looked like it came out of a magazine, and enough wooden chairs to seat an army.
Heidi stayed near the entrance while Ethan and Simón slapped each other on the back like they hadn’t seen each other in years.
—Heidi!—Simón’s voice was too loud, too enthusiastic—. Come in, come in. The girls are in the back yard.
The back yard was just as impressive. And there they were.
Tara and Kelly.
Tara was around forty. Dark hair, thin, with a permanent smile that looked sculpted. Kelly was Heidi’s age, maybe a couple years older. Blonde. Light eyes. The popular girl, plain and simple.
They were sitting together on a hammock. Too close together.
—Heidi!—Tara got up with an energy that didn’t match her age—. Finally we get to meet you! Ethan talks about you all the time.
—All the time?—Heidi asked.
—Well, when he’s not talking about Sarah—Tara laughed, and the sound was so perfect it seemed rehearsed.
Kelly didn’t get up. Just raised a hand from the hammock.
—Hi.
Her voice was lower than Heidi expected.
—Hi—Heidi answered.
They sat down. Tara started talking about the food, the weather, how nice Heidi’s dress was (it wasn’t, it was just a dress). Kelly didn’t say anything. Just watched.
And at some point, Heidi noticed something.
Tara’s hand was on Kelly’s thigh.
It wasn’t a casual hand. It wasn’t “we’re sitting together and accidentally touching.” It was a placed hand. Fingers curved, pressing slightly against the fabric of Kelly’s shorts.
Heidi looked away. Then looked again.
The hand was still there.
Tara kept talking about her perfect life.
HEIDI
An hour later, the sun was starting to leave. Ethan and Simón were still by the grill, beers in hand, arguing about something from work. Sarah was inside, helping with something in the kitchen.
Heidi needed to use the bathroom.
The house was big. She found the bathroom downstairs, but when she came out, she heard something.
Laughter nearby. Quiet. Complicit.
Heidi walked toward the sound. Quietly. Not really knowing why.
A bedroom door was half open.
She went closer.
Looked through the crack.
And saw.
Tara and Kelly were on the bed. Kelly sitting on the edge. Tara on her knees in front of her.
Tara’s head was between Kelly’s thighs.
No. Not between her thighs. In them.
Heidi held her breath.
Kelly had her eyes closed. One hand on the back of Tara’s head. The other gripping the sheets.
Tara moved her head. Slow but steady.
Heidi couldn’t look away.
She saw Kelly’s fingers dig into her mother’s hair. Saw Tara look up for a moment, like checking something, and Kelly nod, and after that, Tara sped up.
Saw Kelly bite her lip to keep from screaming. Saw her body tense. Saw Tara not stop.
Heidi stepped back.
One step. Two.
Something cracked under her foot.
Both heads turned toward the door.
Heidi ran.
She didn’t know where. Just ran. Through the hallway, the kitchen, the yard. Sarah was at the back door when she ed.
—Heidi?
She didn’t answer.
Got in the car. Closed the door. Breathed deep.
Her heart pounded in her chest.
Breathed deep. Once. Again. Again.
She clenched her fists against the seat. It wasn’t disgust she felt. She wished it was disgust. It was something else, something that spread down to her crotch.
She closed her eyes tight.
Saw her mother. The mole on her wrist. The hand face up at the movies. The fingers brushing her skin.
Then she saw her on her knees, mouth open, smiling.
Opened her eyes.
Her heart was still pounding.
—Did you like the barbecue?—Ethan asked from the front seat.
—Yes—Heidi said. Her voice came out strange.
—And the girls? Tara and Kelly?
Heidi felt her stomach tighten.
—They’re... really close—she said.
Ethan laughed.
—That’s what Simón says. Ever since they started therapy, they’re inseparable.
Heidi didn’t say anything. Just looked at her mother in the rearview mirror.
Heidi couldn’t sleep. The image kept coming back.
But it wasn’t just Tara and Kelly anymore. Now she imagined her mother.
Her on her knees.
Or her mother on her knees. Both versions she liked.
She went to the hallway. It was late. Her mother’s door was half open. Then she heard something. A distant sound coming from downstairs.
There it was again. Like a constant moan.
She went down the stairs barefoot. One step. Another. The wood didn’t creak.
The living room was dark, but the TV was on.
And there, on the couch, was the sound. A woman’s sound. Not a complaint. A moan. Her mother’s moan. Lying on one of the couches, hand between her legs.
On the screen, two women. A young one and an older one, a milf. The older one was on her knees, mouth buried in the young one.
Heidi froze.
Her mother’s moan was the same one she’d heard last night behind the door at Simón’s house. The same one she’d held back so many times against her pillow.
Sarah moved her hand. Fast. Steady. Her back arched slightly with each movement.
Heidi couldn’t look away from her mother.
She sank against the wall, at the bottom of the stairs. In the dark. Hidden.
Her hand found her own crotch.
The shorts she wore to sleep were already wet. She touched herself.
Her mother’s moans set the rhythm.
Sarah sped up.
Heidi too.
Both of them, in the dark, meters apart, moving their hands to the same rhythm.
Heidi bit her own hand to keep quiet.
Her mother’s body tensed. One last time. Then a long, shaky sigh.
Heidi felt herself come too. Her legs trembled. She clenched her teeth. Came in silence, against the wall, while her mother lay back on the couch, breathing hard.
Heidi moved fast to her room. A few minutes later she heard her mother come up.
SARAH
Sarah woke before dawn. Opened her eyes and ed: the couch, the TV, her hand.
Ethan was next to her. Sleeping peacefully.
The image from the screen came back on its own: the two women, the older one on her knees, the young one with her eyes closed. When she’d touched herself, she hadn’t thought about those women.
She’d thought about Heidi.
She closed her eyes tight, trying to erase it from her head.
Got up without a sound. Ethan didn’t even move.
The bathroom was cold. She looked in the mirror. Her hair was a mess, her dark circles deeper than ever. She looked like her mother in those old photos.
Went down to the kitchen.
Still dark. Started the coffee maker.
Sat at the table. Her usual chair. Looked at the chair across from her. Heidi’s chair.
Thought about Heidi’s hand over hers at the movies.
Sarah had wanted that hand to stay there forever.
She heard a noise upstairs. Steady. Heidi’s shower.
Sarah imagined Heidi in the shower. Water running down her back. Down her breasts. Down her ass.
Looked away. Forced herself to look at the window. The sky was starting to lighten.
Footsteps. Getting closer.
The kitchen door opened.
—Good morning—Heidi said.
—Good morning—Sarah answered.
Her voice sounded strange.
—Coffee?—she asked.
—Yes.
Sarah got up. Went to the coffee maker. Felt Heidi’s eyes on her back. Or maybe it was her imagination. She hoped it was her imagination.
Poured the cup. Brought it to the table.
When she leaned over to put it in front of Heidi, her neckline was at her daughter’s eye level.
Just a second.
But both of them noticed.
Sarah went back to her chair. Not her usual one. The one next to her.
She didn’t ask herself why.
—Did you sleep well?—Heidi asked.
Sarah looked at her. Heidi’s eyes were the same as hers. That light blue she’d inherited. Now they looked at her in a way she didn’t .
—Not much—Sarah said.
—Me neither.
Silence settled between them.
Heidi drank her coffee. Sarah looked at her hands around the cup. The same hands that had covered hers at the movies. The same fingers she’d felt brush her skin.
—Mom.
Sarah looked up.
—Yes?
Heidi hesitated. One second. Two.
—Nothing.