POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT
WEEK 1
HEIDI
—Predictable -she scoffed, still pouting slightly despite being eighteen.
—That’s something... but I meant something more visceral -Dr. Valery said calmly.
—I don’t understand what you mean.
—Of course you don’t understand -her mother cut in, crossing her arms.
Sitting across from each other, anyone would notice the resemblance. The same features. The same jawline. The same blue eyes. Though Sarah looked more like an older sister than a mother.
—And how am I supposed to understand if I have to listen to that stupid music? -Heidi snapped.
—First it was the chairs, then the air conditioning, now the music -Sarah replied, even though she didn’t like the repetitive sound filling the office either. She would never it that in front of her daughter.
—Fine, fine... -Heidi muttered, shifting in her seat. -I’m supposed to say the first thing that comes to mind, right? “Visceral” was the word, doctor?
She paused deliberately and looked straight at her mother.
—The first thing I think when I look at my mom... is that she’s a bitter fat woman who exists just to spread misery around.
Silence took over the room. Even Heidi seemed surprised by how harsh it sounded, but it was too late to take it back.
Sarah wasn’t fat. At first glance she might seem that way, but her body was more voluptuous than anything. Especially on top: her breasts weren’t large—they were overwhelming. The fabric of her blouses always stretched tight across them.
Sarah hated that part of herself. Hated the constant stares from men. Hated that clothes never fit right. And Heidi knew that perfectly well.
Heidi, in contrast, was tall, athletic. Her breasts weren’t nearly as large as her mother’s, though she didn’t consider herself unattractive. The number of guys trailing behind her reinforced that.
—What did hearing that make you feel, Sarah? -the doctor asked.
—Bad -she answered after a deep breath.
—Do you want to say the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Heidi?
Sarah held her daughter’s gaze.
—She’s a spoiled girl who can’t tolerate frustration, no matter how small.
Both of them looked ready to explode when the doctor gently intervened.
—How about some tea?
The cups were still steaming. The scent was pleasant—maybe the only truly comforting thing in the room.
—Expressing frustration is healthy -he continued- but staying there would be a mistake. Now I want you to say something positive about the person in front of you. Something simple.
Heidi scoffed.
—I guess she cooks well.
—And you, Sarah?
—I guess she eats my food without complaining.
—Good. Look at each other and repeat it.
The music volume went up just a notch.
For an hour they repeated the same sentences. Again and again.
During the drive back, they didn’t speak. The silence only broke when Sarah asked if Heidi was going home. Heidi said no.
They “said goodbye” in a mall parking lot.
—What are you wearing? -Amy asked when she saw the oversized sweater.
—It’s the only thing my mom let me wear to see the doctor.
—Are you sick?
—No. And he’s not exactly a doctor. More like some alternative therapist. Ethan insisted.
—And you let your stepdad boss you around?
—It was either that or get a job somewhere.
—Well, lazy girl, want to eat?
—I’m not sure. I don’t think I’m hungry.
—Well I am, inconsiderate. Come on, I heard there’s a new burger stand. I’ll pay.
—Is something wrong? -Amy asked.
—I don’t know... it tastes bland.
Amy took a bite.
—It’s normal.
—Maybe I’m just not hungry...
SARAH
—Simón called. He asked if we’re going to his barbecue on Sunday -Ethan said when he came in.
Sarah didn’t look up from the sink. She hated those perfect gatherings. The way they rubbed their functional family in her face. The coordinated laughter. The inside jokes. The framed photos on every wall.
—Sure. Though I can’t speak for Heidi.
Ethan let out a sigh that tried to sound understanding.
—How did it go today?
His tone seemed casual, but she knew he’d been waiting months for that answer.
—Fine... I think. I’m not sure Heidi will want to go back-
Of course she would. The threat of a job at the movie theater was enough. But it all felt like a fraud to her. Repeating words for an hour couldn’t fix anything. She wouldn’t say that. Ethan had dreamed of a united family since they met; she already had one once. A broken one.
—Give it time -he insisted. -This is good for you. Simón says Tara and Kelly didn’t get along either, and look at them now. They’re inseparable.
—Fine -she was tired of hearing Simón’s miracle-family story.
It wasn’t that she didn’t love Heidi. She did. She just never loved being a mother. She learned the role, but it never felt natural. And she suspected her daughter knew that.
—What are you baking? -Ethan asked.
—Meatloaf.
—Since when do you cook like that?
—I don’t know... felt like it today.
When Heidi came home, she slammed the door like always. Sarah was about to scold her, but instead she asked:
—Do you want to eat?
The question surprised even her.
—Please -Heidi replied, unusually soft.
She devoured the plate.
—Mom, it’s delicious.
She repeated it several times. Sarah couldn’t stop a warm feeling from rising in her chest when she heard it. Maybe that was what loving a daughter felt like.
WEEK 2
HEIDI
The white light in the office felt brighter than the week before.
Heidi had to blink several times to adjust.
—Kind -she said, without her usual ironic tone.
—Polite -Sarah replied after a short pause. She looked just as uncomfortable with the light.
A week ago, those words would have been unthinkable.
The shared meals had changed. They weren’t warm, but they were consistent. Ritualized. Heidi praised. Sarah thanked her. Nothing more.
—You’ve made progress -the doctor said.
—But we’ve only scratched the surface.
He raised the music slightly.
—Today we’ll work on a physical compliment. Nothing emotional yet. Just something you like about the other person’s body. Positive reinforcement.
Heidi hesitated.
—I guess her skin looks well taken care of.
—Good. Your turn, Sarah.
—She has a pretty face.
—Repeat it. Louder. Look at each other.
The music went up another notch.
SARAH
—Does something hurt? -Ethan asked.
Sarah was in the kitchen, in the dark, staring at a photo from Heidi’s graduation. She had come down for water because of a migraine.
The image of her daughter, strangely, eased the pain.
She studied the outline of her face. The symmetry. The skin. Heidi had a beautiful face.
—Just needed water... and I guess I felt nostalgic.
Ethan smiled and went back to bed.
Sarah kept staring at the photo a few seconds longer.
HEIDI
She finished her plate and left it nearly spotless, cleaning it with her tongue. It was strange, but she didn’t care. She knew her mother was watching. She liked that she was watching.
They spent most of the day at home. Watching each other out of the corner of their eyes.
There was an unspoken agreement not to mention it.
But both of them seemed to need it.
...
WEEK 3
HEIDI
—She has nice skin... -Heidi said. She seemed unable to take her eyes off her mother.
—She has a pretty face -her mother repeated.
—That’s good, but we’ve already repeated that, haven’t we? I’d like to hear something else. Please, Heidi. Tell me something else. Besides your mother’s skin.
—I-I... she’s... pretty -she said. Staring at the whiteness of her mother’s skin.
—Good. But it’s a bit generic. And more importantly, it’s censored by the relationship you have. Sometimes it’s healthy to look at close people in a different way. To understand them better. Tell me: what do you think would catch a stranger’s attention about your mother?
—Mmm... I don’t know.
—Please, Heidi. You’re a smart girl. And I think we’ve made important progress, don’t you think?
—Yes... but...
—Come on, say it. It doesn’t matter. No one will judge you.
—Her... body. She has a nice body -she said, blushing.
—Excellent, Heidi. Your turn, Sarah.
She hesitated. Remained silent.
—Sarah... Please. I think your daughter deserves a good response.
—I...
—Just imagine you’re a guy for a moment. What do you think they would see in Heidi?
—Her personality.
—Of course. Personality is vital. The main attraction. But today we’re talking about the body. Because by facing it, we understand the other person. Their insecurities. Their burdens. So tell me: what do you think of Heidi?
—She’s a young... sexy woman?
—Are you asking or stating?
—Stating.
—Then say it with confidence.
—She’s a young... sexy woman.
—Tell her, please.
—Heidi, you’re... sexy.
—Good. Now you, Heidi. Tell your mother something positive about her.
—Mom, you have a nice body.
The doctor adjusted the music. The exercise began.
...
—Tomorrow? Sorry, Amy, I already have plans.
She bit into the bread. Talked a bit more and hung up.
—You have plans tomorrow? -her mother asked.
They were sitting at a small local place. Coffee and bread. Sarah watched her over the rim of her cup.
—Well... I was hoping to spend the day with you.
—If you don’t mind being with this old woman, it’s fine by me -she said, letting out a light laugh.
—Don’t say that. We look almost the same age.
Heidi took her hand. One second. Two. They looked at each other and then both pulled away.
—I think we ran out of sugar -Heidi said, looking at the floor—. I’ll go get some.
She stood up. Walked slowly toward the counter. Her stomach was churning. Her head hurt. Thinking about her mother made her feel ashamed.
When she got back to the table, a man was standing too close to her mother.
—Just your name -he was saying—. Nothing else.
Sarah’s jaw was tight.
—No.
—Your name. What’s it cost?
—Hey.
The shout came out of Heidi before she decided to use it. The man turned. After that, everything was fast. She didn’t exactly how, but she hit him. Once. Twice.
She grabbed her mother’s arm and they ran.
SARAH
It was drizzling lightly. Her heart was racing. Her hand was clutching Heidi’s. And even though she knew she should act like the adult, she didn’t want to. She wanted to keep running and never stop, as long as their hands stayed intertwined.
When they stopped, both were exhausted, soaked, and slightly out of breath.
—Heidi... I... thank you, sweetheart.
—Are you okay? Did he do anything to you?
—Heidi asked, stepping closer. She looked like the mother now, checking if someone had hurt her cub.
—No, I’m fine, sweetheart. I just wish I’d chosen different clothes.
Sarah’s outfit was a simple pink dress with embroidered flowers. It barely had a neckline, but on her body, that was more than enough.
—Are you crazy? You’re beautiful... I like how you look -Heidi said, unable to hide that her gaze lingered on her bust. Just a microsecond, but long enough for both of them to blush.
The ride home was silent. Ethan had come to pick them up after Sarah called him. He didn’t ask anything. Just smiled when he saw them arrive arm in arm.
In the back seat, Heidi stared out the window. Raindrops ran down the glass and she could see her mother’s reflection in it. Sarah looked ahead, but sometimes her eyes drifted toward Heidi’s reflection.
They caught each other looking once. Both looked away at the same time.
Ethan put on music. Something soft, instrumental.
No one spoke for the rest of the trip.
HEIDI
Hot water ran down her back for several minutes before Heidi realized she was still wearing her clothes. The leggings were stuck to her legs, to her ankles, but mostly to her ass.
She stayed like that, under the shower, doing nothing to take her clothes off. Steam filled the bathroom, fogging the mirror, blurring the edges. She closed her eyes.
She imagined water soaking her mother’s clothes. That blouse she wore on Sundays, the one with little flowers, the one that always showed more than it covered. She imagined it clinging to her breasts, shaping that shape Heidi couldn’t stop staring at lately. That huge shape...