DEAR DIARY — Part 2
September 11th
I did it. Adam and I finally talked properly today.
I had been turning everything over in my head since Friday, and I knew I could not just leave it there, half-understood and quietly bothering me. So I told him the truth: that I did not know how I felt. That part of me was grateful because the migraine relief had felt amazing, and part of me was still upset that he had not fully explained what he was doing beforehand. It was awkward at first, and I was worried I would sound either ridiculous or overly dramatic, but Adam was very patient about it.
He really is very good with me. Better than I probably deserve sometimes, especially lately, with all my stress and moods.
He seemed to understand almost immediately what I was actually stuck on. It was not only that he had tried something new on me. It was that I did not like realizing how suggestible I might be in that kind of deeply relaxed state. I think that frightened me more than I wanted to it.
So he explained the hypnosis part more carefully. He said that being in trance is not the same as being unconscious or helpless, and that he cannot make me do anything I truly do not want to do. According to him, it is more like being very focused, very relaxed, and more open to ideas that already fit what you are willing to accept. Hearing him explain it that way made me feel much better. Not entirely unconflicted, maybe, but calmer.
And after we talked for a while longer, I told him I was willing to let him hypnotize me again.
Writing it down like that makes it sound much more dramatic than it felt. It was not dramatic. It was more that I realized I trusted him, and that despite everything, I wanted to know what it would feel like to let go a little more instead of fighting the idea so hard. I even told him that if he wanted to try giving me more suggestions while I was deeply relaxed, it could be fun.
That said, I may have sounded braver than I really am. Once I got home and started replaying the conversation, I wondered if I had been too quick, too open, too willing to hand over something I am not entirely ready to hand over. I do not think I am ready to surrender that much control.
Still, I cannot deny that the idea affects me.
There is something undeniably intense about the thought of trusting him enough to let him hypnotize me completely, even just for a little while. Not because I actually want anything extreme, because I don’t. But because the idea of relaxing so deeply that I stop fighting everything for once is... powerful. It’s kind of turn me on, if I am honest.
I have spent far too much time thinking about it already, and I really do need to stop because I have homework to finish tonight.
Hypnosis Experiment Log
Subject: Jessica Sandler
Date: September 13
I am going to try to keep this relatively professional in tone, although that is obviously complicated by the fact that the subject is also my girlfriend.
Jessica first came to me a little over a week ago complaining of stress headaches, poor sleep, and mounting academic pressure. As a psychology major, and more simply as someone who knows her very well, I suggested a series of guided breathing and relaxation exercises. She agreed, and over the course of the week those sessions became a nightly routine.
The results have been stronger than I expected.
Jessica is highly responsive to guided relaxation, especially when she is already tired, overstimulated, or in pain. She drops quickly into a focused, deeply suggestible state—noticeably more relaxed, less guarded, and less resistant than in ordinary conversation. Her migraines also seem to lessen significantly afterward, which has made her increasingly receptive to continuing the sessions.
On Friday, I decided to try a hypnosis technique I recently learned in class. My intention, at least at the time, was to deepen the relaxation response and see whether suggestion would amplify the physical relief she had already been reporting. And it did, very effectively.
The ethical issue, of course, is that I went further than I should have without explaining everything clearly beforehand.
When I told Jessica what I had done, she was understandably conflicted. She was not simply upset by the fact that it worked. She was unsettled by what it implied—that I could affect her mental and physical state more powerfully than either of us had realized. The power dynamic was new to her, and I think that was what frightened her most.
We talked again on campus Monday. At length. I explained the process as carefully as I could and reassured her that trance is not mind control, that suggestion is not compulsion, and that she is not helpless inside it. She seemed calmer after that. Curious even.
By the end of the conversation, she told me she was willing to continue and to let me hypnotize her further. She was not as casual about it as she tried to sound. I don’t think she fully realizes how much the idea affects her.
There is a part of me that finds this whole situation extremely tempting. Not just because Jessica is responsive, but because she is so tightly wound in ordinary life. So controlled. So disciplined. The contrast between that version of her and the softened, more pliant version that emerges under relaxation is striking enough to be difficult to ignore. There is a part of me that wants to push her into some ideal woman, but that would be a long term goal.
I can already see how easy it would be to justify “small” suggestions as harmless. For now, I think I will test her boundaries and see what suggestions I can make that will stick.
To start, I’ve been thinking of suggesting that she show more skin in the way she dresses (lower cut tops, cropped tops, lower rise pants, shorter skirts and shorts). Basically, I want to see if I can affect her fashion sense, pushing her toward a look that appeals to me more than her usual casual, yet conservative dress.
Those thoughts alone are probably enough to tell me I need to be careful.
For now, I think the responsible line is observation. Test only what she openly agrees to. Keep the sessions framed around stress reduction. Watch what kinds of suggestions take hold and which do not.
Still, I would be naïve not to it that I am interested in where this could go.
I will continue updating this log as opportunities arise. I also have an interview for an internship in California coming up, which means I will be away until the weekend.
September 17th
I am so relieved that it is finally the weekend, and even more relieved that Adam is back from California.
This week at school felt incredibly long. I have been trying to stay on top of everything, but the double major is already starting to feel like exactly as much work as I feared it would be. Every class seems to come with its own mountain of reading, notes, and deadlines, and I constantly have the feeling that if I slow down even slightly, everything will begin piling up faster than I can manage it. I have been working hard all week, and I suppose that is a good sign in one sense, but it has left me feeling stretched very thin.
History is still the one bright spot, at least intellectually. Even when I am tired, I still feel that same sharp little thrill when a lecture really comes together or when I can see a line of argument clearly. That part has not changed. What has changed, unfortunately, is how difficult it has become to enjoy any of it when I am tired and in pain.
I saw quite a lot of Rachel and Kelly this week, which helped more than I expected. We had coffee between classes twice, and just having them there made everything feel less relentless. I do not think I realized how lonely the week would feel with Adam away until I was already in the middle of it.
The headaches kept coming back too. Not every minute of every day, but often enough to wear me down. I tried doing the breathing exercises Adam taught me, and they helped a little, but it was not the same without him there. I could never quite settle into it fully on my own. I still felt tense underneath everything, as though my mind refused to unclench.
So I was more than ready to see him tonight.
We tried the hypnosis technique again this evening, and it worked just as well as it did before. My migraine disappeared completely, which still feels almost unbelievable to me. More than that, I felt deeply relaxed afterward, in that same warm, quiet way I ed. It is such a strange contrast to how I usually feel lately—so tense, so overextended, so mentally busy all the time. It felt good to let all of that go for a while.
I did wonder afterward whether Adam had given me any other suggestions while I was under. He did not say anything, and everything seemed perfectly normal, so I may just be overthinking it. In any case, I trust him. Whatever else is true, I know he wants what is best for me and would never do anything to hurt me.
And honestly, after feeling that calm again, I think I needed it more than I realized.
September 19th
It was warm today—one of those bright, sunny early fall days that still feel a little like summer, even though the semester is already underway. In a way it is a bit of a downer, because weather like this makes me want to be anywhere except buried under reading lists and deadlines, but at least it meant I had a chance to be outside for a little while between classes.
Something odd happened today, though. Ava—who, as it turns out, is the only other student in my program attempting the same double major—made a comment about my clothes. She said I was not projecting a professional image because the shirt I was wearing was a little short.
I suppose she was not entirely wrong. I do not usually wear tops that leave part of my stomach bare. Usually if I wear that shirt at all, I pair it with high-waisted tros I like, so it does not look especially revealing. But since it was so warm today, I wore it with jeans that sit lower on my hips, and I suppose it showed more than I intended.
Still, we are in college, not a law firm. It is not as though we are expected to dress in uniforms, and it is certainly not something I would wear to an interview or anywhere that actually required that kind of presentation. So I really do not know why she felt the need to say anything. Then again, maybe she is just as stressed as I am and handles it by policing everyone around her.
And honestly, what I wore was nothing compared to the tight pink crop tops Kimberly seems to live in. Although, if I am being fair, I do think they look very good on her. Sexy, even. Which is not the sort of thing I usually spend much time thinking about.
It is strange—I do not normally think this much about clothes at all. But perhaps it is not the worst thing in the world to think about something simpler than studying for once.
Speaking of stress, I cannot wait to see Adam again and do one of the hypnosis sessions with him. I always feel so good afterward—so much calmer, so much lighter. At this point I think I look forward to that feeling almost as much as I look forward to seeing him.