The Time I Died
Epilogue
November 14
“Thanks again for rescheduling, Kate. I’m sorry it was so last-minute.”
“Hey, things happen! Is Macy feeling better?”
“She has to wear the Cone of Shame for the next two weeks. She’s not taking it well. Hopefully this experience will teach her to avoid stray cats in the future, but I doubt it.”
“We all learn from our mistakes eventually. Right?”
“Us humans, anyway. And speaking of humans, I’m glad to see that you’re also feeling better. How has your week been?”
“You’ll be proud of me! I put the extra time to good use. James had to fly to Denver for a work thing, so I found a cheap ticket on Frontier and flew out with him. We booked a few extra days and rented a car so that we could drive up into the mountains. And then I saw mountains! Real, grown-up mountains! It sounds corny, but I’ve always wanted to see the Rockies. Well, to see the Rockies and then also it.”
“It sounds like you had a fantastic time.”
“I really did! I honestly can’t believe we never thought of this earlier. Going on work trips together and turning them into mini-vacations. I can do work on the road, and the hotel room is paid for, and James… hee! If there’s this big, comfy, king-sized bed in the room, it sure would be a shame if it wasn’t used properly. Sorry, that’s… probably TMI.”
“No such thing as too much information in therapy, Kate. And that’s a great plan for the both of you. I know how much James has to hit the road these days. I like that you’ve taken something that could be construed as a negative and turned it into a positive.”
“We’re going to head to Los Angeles in the spring, and I’m already excited about it. This will be my first time back in California since the Old Kate days. There are so many places I kind-of sort-of that I’m going to take James to. It’s… do you want to know something dumb?”
“Of course.”
“So, all of that time I was brainwashed, and Decker was sending me all over the place… about a month ago I was thinking about that, and it hit me. I have all of these half-memories about traveling to Switzerland, to Japan… Decker told James that he’d sent me to Russia once. But I don’t much of it, and I don’t want to. But why not do those trips again, only with my amazing husband and a clean mind? I just need to convince James to quit his job and hit the road with me, full time.”
“A gentle suggestion, Kate, but you’ll probably want to win the lottery before your husband quits his job.”
“Where’s the adventure in that?”
“Very true, Kate! This is normally the point in a therapist’s day when they have to step in and remind their patient to slow down a bit. Take things one day at a time. No big plans. But not today. I’m genuinely very happy for you, Kate. I can hear the optimism in your voice, and see the joy in your eyes. You’ve come a long way this year.”
“Thanks! I’ve been… things have been better. In a lot of ways, in a lot of places.
When I won back my free will, I thought that was the pinnacle of things. I never thought it could get better than that! Turns out, that was just the ground floor. There’s still a lot of stair-climbing to do.”
Freeport
Wednesday was lunch with Claire day.
Kate found her best friend waiting for her in their usual booth, four rows from the entrance. She flashed a quick smile and slid onto her seat in one smooth motion, depositing her gloves, scarf, and purse on the table in a jumbled heap.
“Hey!” she managed, shrugging off her coat. They kept it toasty at the Half Moon Cafe.
“Hey yourself, mystery girl.” Claire was all sass and sexy, same as always. She was wearing a sharp business suit, tailored to fit, and even in her own cute outfit Kate couldn’t help but feel more than a little outclassed.
She’s so pretty. I like hypnotizing pretty girls.
Good for you, now shut up.
“Mystery girl?”
“Well, yeah! You didn’t respond to my text. I was half-convinced that you and James were eloping to Botswana.”
“Kind of hard when we’re already married,” Kate laughed. She glanced down at her wedding ring. Still there.
“You know what I mean! I didn’t find out about Denver until, what, the day before? Not that I’m asking for a 24/7 itinerary of your life. I just like to imagine that you two are having crazy sexy adventures while I’m at a director’s meeting and Priya’s thirty slides deep into her PowerPoint.”
“No African safaris, but… we’re thinking of Paris.”
“I heard!”
Their waiter appeared, notepad in hand. Kate ordered a turkey club sandwich, a side of sweet potato fries, and an americano, deliberately ignoring Claire’s disapproving stares. The latter tapped the side of her empty mug and ordered another coffee, “with some more creamer? That would be fantastic, thanks!”
A guilty smile.
Kate hadn’t planned on smiling. In a way it wasn’t really something anyone should smile about. But flushing that vial of Decker’s hypnotic drug crap down the kitchen sink had felt so damn good. She allowed a moment to bask in the memory.
“I saw that!” Claire’s eyes launched a flurry of invisible daggers at Kate. “I know that smile, Kate Pendleton! Let the record show that I did not stare at our waiter’s tight ass at all this time, thank you very much.”
“A little,” Kate countered, knowing that as far as her friend was concerned, a little was the same as not at all.
“Okay, a little. What’s his… Javier, right? You know he doesn’t skip a single workout day. Whooo! If I were ten years younger and single? I would not be single, let’s just leave it at that.”
“We should probably leave it at that,” Kate replied, snickering. I love you, Claire. Please don’t ever change. Deep down, she knew she didn’t have to worry much about that.
“All right. So.” Claire hunkered down in her booth, a sure sign that she was ready to talk about Something Serious. “How did Operation Let’s Have Kids go?”
“Surprisingly well! We talked about it for hours! It’s not that he doesn’t want kids, it’s that he didn’t think that I wanted them. You should see how much he dotes on Rigby. I knew James would be a good dad, but, now I really, really know.”
“I’m not surprised at all. He’s been talking about kids since before he met you. I’m just glad that he re that! But… the timing’s right? Job-wise and stuff?”
“Timing’s right.”
Javier returned with the promised creamer, served in a cute little pewter cup. He had a wedding band on his finger and a twinkle in his eye, a look that said you are both helpless to resist my charms, alas, I am married. His gleaming smile outshone even Claire’s.
“Anything else?” he asked, and for the briefest of fantasy seconds Kate imagined herself hypnotizing him into waiting on Claire hand and foot for a weekend. Just a weekend. Just for fun.
She shook the fantasy away. You’re still not hypnotizing pretty girls, and you don’t get to hypnotize pretty guys instead. Sorry, bucko.
“I’m good,” she told him. Claire nodded in agreement. Javier walked away, and the blonde made a point of staring directly into Kate’s eyes for a good two or three minutes.
“Is he gone?” she finally asked.
“He’s back in the kitchen.”
“Good! Speaking of good, Kate, you look fantastic! Seems like only yesterday you were coming to lunch with bruises and head wounds. Look at you now! Hot as hell, and happy for the first time in, at least a couple of weeks! Things are going well?”
“They are.” They were. “Lately it’s felt like things have settled down to a dull roar after all… well, of that nonstop madness. I got up this morning, I had coffee with James, I took the dog for a walk, and it was just… normal? It’s a little weird. I love it, don’t get me wrong! But… I’m not used to living a good life.”
“Sweet, sweet Kate.” Claire set her mug on the table. “You’re still a Lifetime girl in a Lifetime movie. They always have happy endings! You’re about to walk into the sunset arm-in-arm with your sweet husband, happily ever after, roll credits. We made it to the end of the movie. Shit, we all deserve a happy ending after all the crap we’ve been through.”
Kate picked up her mug and took a long sip. She stared into her friend’s eyes. “Yes,” she said. “Yes we do. We all do.”
Charleston, South Carolina
Michelle Simmons was very, very tired.
Normally she found it easy to sleep on airplanes, but the flight down to Charleston provided barely two hours of turbulent discomfort before depositing her, bleary and sore, in South Carolina. It was just after ten.
Ashley was waiting for her at baggage claim, instantly recognizable in her stylish leather boots and cowboy hat, a Wyoming cowgirl inexplicably transported to the coastal Deep South. The boots boosted her already tall frame, allowing her to scan the incoming crowd as it emerged from the concourse. She located Michelle within seconds, and began waving furiously.
“Hey! Michelle! Heeeeeyyyy!”
Tired as she was, Michelle found enough energy to wrap her arms around the girl and squeeze. “Oh my God, it’s so good to see you!”
“Howdy, darlin’!” Ashley’s accent was a mix of country, western, and southern, part drawl and part drawl. It caught Michelle, by now accustomed to the clipped accents of the northeast, off guard. “Did you bring a bag? Oh my God you look divine! How was your flight?”
“It was… um…”
Michelle was prepared to launch into a short summary of her unpleasant journey, delays and bumps and all, but what good would that do? She was on vacation. Things like that happened on vacation.
“Fine,” she said instead. “You look good! You’re so tan!”
To say Ashley looked good was selling the girl short. Tall, blonde, with a round face and a spoke model’s smile, she didn’t look a day over twenty. Whatever life she’d been living in South Carolina had clearly been kind to her. She bounced excitedly from one long leg to the other, a sparkle in her hazel eyes. Michelle, still clad in her heavy winter coat, felt like a pale, hunched little goblin by comparison.
Ashley was Master’s Tuesday girl, but whenever he was busy training a new slave, he would send her to Michelle instead. She knew every inch of that lean, toned body by heart and by touch. Those pert breasts. That flat, athletic stomach. The way her eyes would flutter and roll back into her head whenever Michelle ate her out, as happy to be with her beloved Sister as she was with their amazing, wonderful Master.
“Aw, thank you, darlin’! It’s the sun down here, I tell you what. When all y’all are hunkering down for a winter storm, I’m out in the weekend sunshine going for a run and working on my tan. Don’t worry! We’ll get you some sun this week! Meanwhile, do you need anything? We can stop along the way for supplies, ’case you forgot anything.”
“Coffee,” Michelle blurted out. “Oh God, I didn’t sleep at all on the plane, and I didn’t have a chance to grab anything before the flight.”
“Line at the Dunkin’ when you got off the plane?”
“Mobbed. I thought about stopping anyway, but I didn’t want to keep you waiting.”
“Aw, that’s nice of you! Let’s go over to Harvest Grounds. It’s okay, I guess. You never used to be a coffee girl, what happened?”
Michelle gave it some thought. “Life happened, I guess,” she itted. “Just trying to juggle everything that happens at work with everything that happens at home? It’s exhausting! And Tom, bless his heart, he doesn’t—”
“You do know that ‘bless your heart’ means something different down here, right?”
“I know, I know. You really are a Southern gal now, huh?”
“It was easy! You’d be surprised how much overlap there is between Wyoming and South Carolina. Only thing here is that you can’t get good whiskey and the humidity is off the charts. But it’s cheaper than California by a mile! Probably cheaper than where you are, too. You and Tom oughtta move down here! No snow to shovel!”
“Oh.” Michelle’s smile faded. “Tom will never leave. He’s got too many connections. School connections, business connections, family connections, Old Money connections… down here he’d be a small fish in a small pond. He’d hate it.”
“Oh, darlin’, how would he know unless he came down here? Listen, I’m gonna show you such a good time this weekend that you’re gonna go back home a new woman. Life is so much better down here! We’re gonna hit the beach and… did you bring your bikini?”
“I did.”
“Good! Because you look damn good, Michelle! I swear, it’s like you haven’t aged a day! The boys at Sweeney’s are gonna be drooling over you! You’re gonna wonder why you ever spent years trapped in your house with no power because there was an ice storm. This is the charmed life!”
Ashley paused, shifting abruptly from bubbly to pensive, her mouth curling into a frown. “I mean this in a good way, darlin’, but don’t let your hubbie spoil a good time. It’s a girls trip! Stick him in the back of your head and put us in the front!”
“Okay, okay,” Michelle laughed. “Tell you what, if we get some coffee—”
”You’ll do exactly what I just told you to do.”
“Yes, Kate.”
“Good. And… oh! Don’t say her trigger phrase in public! Whatever you do, trust me, it’s not ideal in any way. Wait until you’re alone with her, but not while she’s driving.”
“Yes, Kate. I understand and obey.”
“You won’t be able to come until you do what you’ve been told.”
“I won’t be… mmm… won’t be able to c-come until I do… what I’ve been told.”
“You okay?”
The words startled Michelle, who jerked back to full awareness with a gasp. Had she been holding a coffee, it would have tumbled to the floor. She tightened her grip on her carryon to steady her trembling hand, wondering why the hell she felt so damn nervous all of a sudden.
It was almost like she had something to do, even though she had nothing but fun and booze and relaxation ahead of her.
“I really need coffee,” she declared.
Freeport
Kate was glad she’d worn the scarf.
December in Freeport was always beautiful. Kate had read somewhere that it was the birthplace of Christmas lights. Everyone in town seemed to own fifty sets of them, and they spent the better part of November hanging and draping them from every conceivable surface. Windows, trees, entire buildings, the Civil War statue in Union Square, the gas pumps at the new Raceway on Constitution… all covered in twinkling, colorful fairy lights. At night, the entire town oozed electric charm, a miniature Vegas with a holiday bent.
It was cold out, but she didn’t mind. Old Kate, California Kate, would have been horrified at the thought of twenty-degree evenings with a threat of snow, but New Kate absolutely loved it. It felt right, in a way that SoCal winter holidays, with their ample sunshine and trips to the beach, never did.
She had her phone out, gloved fingers an inch from the screen, when it buzzed with a call from James. Smiling, she tucked it between her ear and her soft, fuzzy scarf.
“Hey there!”
“Hey, yourself! Are you still downtown?”
“Yes?”
“Quick question, then. Are you anywhere near the Park? Say, Sixth and Washington?”
Kate had spent the better part of the last hour wandering aimlessly, darting from one beautiful light display to the next without paying much attention to street signs. She searched for the closest one now. “Um, yeah! I’m at Third and Jefferson.”
“Looking at lights again?”
Her face curled. “Listen bucko,” she said. “Your lovely wife spent all afternoon running your errands so yes, she is enjoying the lights.”
“I’m sorry, lovely wife. Want to walk over to where I am? I have a surprise for you.”
Butterflies. There were always butterflies when James did this. The good butterflies. She bit her lower lip, gently. The cold had made it a little raw. She made a mental note to buy chapstick.
“A surprise, huh?” She faked skepticism, knowing that James would see right through it. “Is it a pony?”
“Aw, no fair, you’ve spoiled the surprise!” He paused for effect. “Wanna walk over anyway? I can probably think up a backup surprise in the next ten minutes.”
She laughed, wondering what James had up his sleeve this time. “I’ll be there in ten.”
“Sounds good! Love you, Kate.”
“Sounds good,” she agreed. “I love you too.”
Charleston
The drive from the airport to Folly Beach took forty minutes, and Michelle, feeling rejuvenated by her double-espresso, kept a conversation rolling the entire time. Risking another rebuke, she talked about Tom, about how he was finally putting in the effort to be better, about how it had made things much better at home.
Ashley loved that news.
She then took to peppering Ashley with question after question, as the scenery around them transitioned from interstate, to state highway, and finally over a few bridges and onto the barrier islands that lined Charleston’s coast like a fortress. Chandra had gotten the four of them a rental house for a stupidly cheap amount of money, given the location and season.
“So, I told him… wait, right turn, right?”
Michelle checked her phone. “Right turn.”
“So I finally had to put my foot down and tell him that there was no way I was gonna move to Alaska with him. I mean, I don’t care how good the sex is, I moved out of Laramie so I’d never have to touch a snow shovel again! Can you imagine? It’s—oh! We’re here! It’s so cute!”
“Oh, that’s gorgeous!” Michelle agreed.
Chandra had picked a clear winner, a one-story bungalow set on hurricane-proof stilts, freshly painted and gleaming in the midday sun. The owners had swapped out their garage for a pergola—understandable, given the hurricanes—and Ashley deftly backed her F350 into the space on the first try.
Michelle let out a long breath she didn’t holding in. She turned to her friend. “Are we the first ones here?”
Ashley was digging through her purse and only mostly listening. “Yeah, I think those two were planning on showing up about four.”
We’re alone, Michelle thought. Wait, why does that feel important, that we’re alone? That doesn’t make… any… any…
“You’ll what to say when the time is right, and not before. that, and obey.”
“. Obey. Yes, Kate.”
“Ashley,” she said. Her voice sounded so dull and distant, the way all good slavegirls sounded. Deeply hypnotized, and obedient. She let the trance wash over her, carrying away the sudden urge to jam a hand down her pants, or under Ashley’s sweater, or both. Michelle really, really needed to get off, right here in the driveway. It was the middle of the day and everyone else in the neighborhood was at work. It was safe. She could… yes. Yes.
“Hmm?”
“Ashley. You will listen carefully to my voice.”
That got the blonde’s attention. She raised her head, confused. “What is it?”
The words appeared in Michelle’s mind one by one, and she dutifully recited them, exactly as ordered.
“It’s a golden August sunrise.”
Her eyes rolled into her head, and she moaned.
Freeport
Kate covered the distance between herself and her husband in just under fifteen minutes. Eleven, if she didn’t count the four spent iring the model train setup in the window of Lacey’s Designs. She arrived at her destination slightly out of breath, having guiltily half-jogged the remaining distance from Lacey’s.
James was waiting for her at the entrance to City Park, under the pergola, dressed for the weather in the thick wool pea coat she’d gotten for him during their first winter together. He looked handsome, a proper gentleman with his leather gloves and boots, and she battled back an urge to run over and kiss him.
Instead, she played it coy, sauntering over and looking him up and down with a critic’s eye. “Well,” she said, “if it isn’t my lovely husband! I wonder what brings him to the park this late at night?”
“Pretzels.” He held up what was left of his. “Pretzels and beautiful women, that’s what I’m here for.”
“Oh, picking up strange women in parks? You’re lucky you found me first.”
He laughed, and opened his arms, and she happily fell into them.
Charleston
“You are deeply hypnotized.”
Ashley stared through her. She hadn’t moved an inch since they sat down. “I am deeply hypnotized,” she droned.
“I am the voice of our Master. It is Master’s command that you listen to me, and obey without question.”
“Yes, Michelle. We must all obey Master’s wonderful voice. I will listen and obey without question.”
“You’re doing so good, Michelle. You would have made a pretty solid hypnotist. If only you’d known, right?”
“Yes, Kate. I am a powerful, irresistible hypnotist. That is what I believe.”
Once you get her under, and deepen her trance, you’ll what to do next.”
“Stand up, Ashley.”
The blonde obeyed instantly, springing to her feet and assuming Master’s slave stance. Arms back, back slightly arched, breasts pushing forward, knees locked together. She had a dreamy, dazed smile on her otherwise blank face.
“I hear and obey, Master,” she said.
Mental gears meshed together and turned, spilling new words into her mouth, like the novelty gumboil machine in Tom’s study. She let them flow through her, like the perfect instrument of Master’s will she was. “Take off your clothes. All of them.”
“I hear and obey, Master.”
Slavegirl Michelle could hardly contain her excitement. It was just like old times. A luxurious hideaway, a gorgeous and naked blonde, the promise of serving Master and doing exactly what he wanted her to do—and that wasn’t even counting the sex, or what would happen when the others arrived.
But slavegirls also had duties, and those came first. She unbuttoned her blouse—the heavy coat and boots long abandoned and forgotten—and wiggled out of it, letting it drop to the floor. “When you see me, you’ll see me in my gold bikini, and you will that we are both brainwashed slavegirls.”
“Yes, Michelle. We are Master’s property.”
I can’t wait to fuck you, Michelle thought, before the trance swept her thoughts away like an outgoing tide.
Her fingers reached for her belt.
Freeport
They walked arm-in-arm under an endless canopy of twinkling fairy lights, Christmas carols playing from speakers hidden just off the walking path. James still had his pretzel in his free hand. Kate had a hot cider in hers. They didn’t say much to each other as they strolled. They didn’t need to.
“I wanna show you something,” he finally said, tugging her in the direction of the park bandshell. “I think you’ll like it.”
“Gasp! It’s my pony?”
“It’s… like a pony. Actually, scratch that, it’s not like a pony at all. But it is a surprise!”
“You really don’t have to get me anything,” she protested. “This year, especially. I’m just really grateful that I have a Christmas to celebrate. And these lights, and you.”
“Claire’s right. You really are a Lifetime movie girl. Or… a Hallmark movie girl. It’s Christmastime, after all.”
“You’re such a dork. I love that you know the difference between the two.”
He didn’t reply, but squeezed her hand and smiled. Her insides immediately turned into squishy, mushy goo.
“Can I get a hint on this surprise? Just a little one?”
James pointed in the vague direction of something up ahead, which likely made perfect sense to him but meant little to Kate. “It’s just up here. Do… do you really want a hint?”
“Pleased if you would, lovely husband! I’m pretty jazzed. It’s been a good day and it keeps getting better.”
“Good! So, um, it’s something you’ve been talking about forever, but you’re not expecting to get anytime soon.”
“Is it a furnace?”
He frowned. “Something more romantic than a furnace.”
“Hmmm. A two-care garage?”
“Romantic, Kate.”
“Oh! Right.” She combed through her brain for ideas, but it failed her. “I… hmmm.”
“Hang on.” James slipped behind her and, before she knew what was happening, clamped his gloved hands over her eyes. He pressed his warm body against hers, urging her forward. “Don’t peek, just shuffle with me.”
She shuffled.
Charleston
“What happens when you hear the words ‘it’s a golden August sunrise?’”
“Nothing, Michelle. Those words mean nothing to me. Master no longer has a need for them, so I no longer have a need for them.”
“What are the words that will return you to this very deep and very obedient trance?”
“Crater blacksmith fox mechanical.”
More gears. More turning. More words. “When we are awake, we will not those words.”
“Yes, Michelle. We will both forget. We will obey.”
The brunette glanced down at her watch. Twelve-thirty. Still plenty of time to get the house set up, get the cover off the hut tub, and run back up the main road to the liquor store before Jess and Chanda arrived.
Plenty of time to get ready.
“Michelle,” she said, reluctantly, obediently. “Get dressed. Master has some final orders for you. You must learn the most important thing in the world.”
Freeport
“Are we there yet?”
More shuffling. “Almost there.”
Kate giggled. “Are we there yet?”
To her surprise, they came to a halt. James kept his hands pressed against her eyes. “Yes! We made it! Ready?”
“I don’t hear a pony.”
“I’ll take that as a yes,” he laughed. He lifted his hands, and took a step back. “Open your eyes, Katie-bear.”
Kate planned to do it slowly, eyelids slowly rising as whatever awaited her slowly came into focus. But in her excitement, her eyes snapped open the moment James gave her permission to do so. She gasped, and her eyes widened even more.
“OH! Oh my God!”
“Talk about fate,” said James, placing his firm hands on her shoulders. I forgot that they were doing the ice-carving thing for Christmas this year. As soon as I saw this one, I had to call you!”
“I can’t believe someone carved a huge Eiffel… how tall is this thing, do you think?”
“Apparently it’s thirty-three feet tall.”
Kate let out an appreciative whistle. She’d never seen an ice sculpture this big, not to mention this elaborate. The artist had also carved smaller models of other Parisian landmarks, including the Arc de Triomphe and Notre Dame, scattering them beneath the enormous main sculpture like presents under the tree. Floodlights turned the ice a deep blue, then blood red, then back to white, cycling through the colors of the French flag over and over.
“This is literally taller than our house! Look at the details! How did he do that with a chainsaw?”
“Practice?”
A wild thought popped into her head at that moment. You’re a Lifetime girl in a Hallmark movie. “James… why do I feel like you created this, and that I just don’t that I married the world’s greatest chainsaw ice-sculpting guy?”
He laughed loud enough to give Claire a run for her money, filling the ice air around them, causing Kate to in. “I wish! I wish! Buuuut…. I did contribute something to the menagerie.” He grinned. It was the silly, goofy grin he always used when he was about to spring a surprise on her.
“Look down at the edge there,” he said.
She followed his gaze to where the sculpted landscape met the edge of the path. There was a red envelope on top of the snow. She looks at it, then back at James, curious and confused.
“What is it?”
“Not a pony.”
She squatted and rescued the wayward envelope. It was unsealed, but her gloves were still too stubby to hook a finger inside. She used her teeth to pull the glove from her right hand, then slid the envelope open.
Inside was a letter, and a printout of… “Oh my God. Oh my god oh my god oh my god James!!”
“Two weeks in Paris! We fly out on the 20th. First class, non-stop. I know how badly you wanted to spend a Christmas there, and I didn’t want to wait another year.”
“This… this must have cost a fortune! We can’t just… I mean, this is amazing and I love you so much right now, but… we can’t afford this, can we?”
“I had a lot of help,” he nodded. He pointed to the envelope, still in her hand. “There’s a note in there.”
She pulled out the paper and unfolded it. The envelope dropped to the snow. She ignored it.
“Kate,” the letter began.
thank you for being our friend. Our favorite neighbor. Our coworker. Thank you for always being kind, for always smiling, for always making the world a happier place. We hope you enjoy this token of our appreciation. We love you!
The note was signed by more than thirty people. Kate began to read their names, then had to stop. She was crying.
“When, um, when we started planning this, we thought we’d get a couple of bucks from a couple of people. And it just kept circulating around and around with more people wanting to chip in… Steve and Claire did a lot of the heavy lifting, too. I can’t claim sole credit.”
“This is the best gift… this is… amazing, James. I don’t… I love you so much. I love them, and everyone, but… you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met. I can’t even, I… I’m babbling, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me too, Katie-bear. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to a lot of people! I know how tough this year has been, and how many bad memories you’ve had to face all over again. I want to give you as many good memories as humanly possible, now and for the rest of our lives.”
She thought about what to say. There were millions of words to choose from. She wanted to use all of them at once. Two immediately came to mind. She sucked in a lingering sniffle and smiled. Her lips trembled.
“Sounds good,” she said.
His smile became her everything in that moment, and it was a memory she would carry with her for the rest of her life.
“Sounds good,” he agreed.
She pulled his head to hers, and closed her eyes.
January 26
“You seem eager today, Kate. I’m happy to see that.”
“I’m kind of excited! I wanted to share a nightmare I had with you.”
“Well, if you’re excited to share a nightmare, I’m excited to hear about it! Please, go ahead.”
“Okay. I’ll… there was a whole first part about shopping for boots, and then trying them out by riding a horse that was in a barn behind the shoe store, but that’s not the nightmare part. I guess I bought the boots, because then the dream skipped ahead, and I was back at the house.
I put the boots away, and I start doing yoga up in the loft. Then someone’s knocking at the front door. In our house, you can see the front door from the loft, so I look over the railing, and there’s no one there. Dream Me thinks that James must’ve locked himself out of the house, so I yell to him that the back door is unlocked, and I go downstairs to meet him. I make it as far as the living room and… he’s there. Waiting for me.”
“Decker?”
“You know me well! Goddamn Decker, trench coat and all. He stands there with this seer on his face, right in front of me, so I can’t him. Staring me down. And he says ‘Kate, are you tired of the Weltschmerz?’”
“Your trigger phrase.”
“I’ve had this same nightmare a thousand times. I run into Decker, and he says the Weltschmerz trigger, and either I go into a trance, or I don’t. But…”
“But you still do what he tells you to do.”
“Exactly! Like I’m his employee. Slave? Employee? Either way, he tells me to do something horrible, and I don’t want to do it, but it’s impossible to resist. In the nightmares, I can’t ever stop myself!
But last night… last night I looked him dead in his beady little eyes and I said ‘no, I’m not. I’m not tired.’”
“How did he respond to that?”
“He made this face. Oh my God, this face! And in the dream, I saw that and I thought ‘I have to tell Doctor Straud about this!’ So, yeah, you were there. Even in the dream I couldn’t wait to tell you how ridiculous Decker looked. How good it felt. It was like I took his favorite toy and stomped on it right in front of him, jumping up and down on it! That face… and he didn’t say a single thing. He just glared at me.
I look over and James is there with me. Claire, too. James gets this goofy look on his face, like he’s about to tell a bad joke, and he starts laughing. That makes me start laughing. And then Claire just belts one out, like she’s going to shake the house down.”
“I imagine that didn’t make Decker happy.”
“This time, it was his turn to be frozen. I was about to grab my phone and call you and Disha, and Decker turned and ran.
James looks at me. I’m just beside myself. I want to laugh until my ribs fall out. He holds out his phone, and I take it. He’s recorded the whole thing on video. And that’s it, the dam breaks, and I’m laughing so hard that I fall down. Claire is trying to help me up, and her boobs are falling out of her dress, and James is being Gentleman James and trying not to look at them, and I’m cackling and I can’t stop! We’re all in my living room laughing and crying and suddenly I think… he’s gone. He’s fucking gone!
And then… I woke up.”