DEAR DIARY — Part 4
October 1st
Adam left for California again this week for his internship application, and I already miss him more than I care to it.
Before he left, he made a set of recordings for me to listen to while he’s gone. He was very specific about them, which of course only made the whole thing feel more serious. He told me I was not to listen to any of them until after he had left, that they were numbered, and that I should only listen to them in order. He also said that I would know when I was ready to move on to the next one.
That last part is what has stayed with me.
I keep looking at them and wondering what exactly he means by that. It all feels a little theatrical when I write it down like this, but I can’t deny that I’m curious. More than curious, really. The sessions with him have helped me so much these past few weeks that the idea of having something of his to fall back on while he’s away is comforting. At the same time, there is something unsettling about not fully knowing what to expect.
I suppose that is why I feel both excited and slightly afraid of the whole thing.
Not afraid in any serious sense. I trust Adam. If I did not, I would never have agreed to any of this in the first place. But I do think I am becoming more aware of how deeply these sessions affect me, and that awareness makes everything feel a little more significant.
Part of me wants to start the first recording immediately. Another part of me feels as though doing that will mean crossing into something new, even if I cannot quite say what.
In any case, I imagine I will listen to the first one tomorrow night. I have had enough of headaches, stress, and trying to manage all of this entirely on my own.
October 3rd
This week has been surprisingly calm for me.
I don’t want to say that too confidently and somehow ruin it, but it’s true. Listening to Adam’s recordings has definitely helped keep my headaches under control. Not perfectly, perhaps, but enough that I’ve noticed the difference every day. I feel steadier somehow, less brittle, less as though I’m one badly timed reading assignment away from completely unraveling.
Adam called last night and said things are going well in California, which was such a relief. I wanted to talk to him longer, but I really couldn’t. I had too much work to do and was already behind on what I had planned for the evening. Still, just hearing his voice helped.
Ava, meanwhile, continues to comment on my clothes, which is becoming increasingly irritating. And now Rachel and Kelly have started saying I dress like Kimberly, which I am not entirely sure how I am meant to take. ittedly, the weather has turned colder again, and I probably should start dressing accordingly, but I just can’t bring myself to drag out my winter things yet. I know that sounds silly, but I’m not ready. Yes, perhaps low-cut tank tops are slightly impractical for October, but it hardly matters when I’m indoors most of the day. And it’s not as though campus is enormous. It takes all of two minutes to get from one building to the next. At least I’m not wearing shorts.
As for the recordings, I’ve been listening to them as often as I can. I always feel so much better afterward. This morning, one of my classes was canceled, and I ended up spending nearly the entire morning listening to the first recording over and over again. I honestly have no idea how long I was there. Time felt strange in that half-sleepy, dreamy way it sometimes does when you stop checking the clock and let yourself drift. If the sun had actually been out, I could probably have measured the morning with a sundial.
Tonight, though, I think I’m ready to move on to the second recording.
I’m excited to see how it feels. Adam wouldn’t tell me exactly what he put on them, which is both annoying and oddly compelling. He did say he didn’t expect me to get through all of them. Part of me immediately wanted to prove that I could, of course, but I suppose I should follow his directions. He understands these things better than I do.
So I think I’m off to bed now to listen to recording number two and, hopefully, have some very pleasant dreams afterward.
October 7th
Adam got back yesterday.
He seemed very positive about how his interview went, though he still did not know for certain whether he had the internship, which I think was making him more anxious than he wanted to it. Even so, he looked pleased with himself in that quiet way he has when he thinks something has gone well but does not want to sound arrogant about it.
Still, for all his talk about California, he seemed far more interested in me when I picked him up from the airport.
In fairness, that may have had something to do with what I was wearing. I had spent so much of the last few days lounging around my apartment in as little as possible that I found it almost irritating to put on proper clothes at all. I obviously could not go to the airport half-dressed, but I also could not bear the thought of anything heavy or restrictive. So in the end I compromised and wore my little black dress—far more fitted and shorter than what I usually would have chosen for something as ordinary as picking someone up. Adam definitely noticed.
I assumed he would be tired when we got back to his place, but apparently he had other priorities. To be fair, so did I. I had been quite horny the past few days in a way that was hard to ignore, and seeing him again only made it worse. The moment we were alone, all of that tension between us seemed to snap. We had sex and it was immediate, intense, and very much overdue.
And yes, it was incredible.
I am not going to spell out every detail in these pages, but I will say that it felt almost absurdly good—possibly the best it ever has. There is something about the way Adam is with me lately that makes it easier to stop thinking and just feel, and I do not think I realized how badly I had missed that until yesterday.
Afterward, he wanted to talk about the recordings he had left for me—how often I had listened to them, how far I had gotten, how I had been feeling while using them. It was a slightly surreal conversation to have while I was still trying to gather myself, but I did my best. He seemed more concerned than I expected when I itted that since Friday I had mostly wanted to be at home in as little clothing as possible, and that I had been feeling oddly resistant to anything heavy or constricting.
I do not think he was angry, exactly. More thoughtful. As if he was trying to work out whether that reaction surprised him or not.
Later, he asked if I wanted him to hypnotize me again, and I said yes immediately. My headaches had been manageable, but they were still there, lingering in the background, and I always feel better afterward. Whatever else I may worry about from time to time, that part is undeniably true. I do not know what I would have done these past weeks without him.
It was late by then, so I ended up staying over. We were much calmer by that point, and the rest of the night felt softer, quieter, more intimate. It was nice to fall asleep in his arms after everything.
This morning I had to drive home to change before school, which felt slightly ridiculous and faintly scandalous in a way I do not entirely hate. Adam says he’s coming over tonight with dinner and that he’ll help me study, which honestly sounds like exactly what I need.
Hypnosis Experiment Log
Subject: Jessica Sandler
Date: October 7
Jessica picked me up at the airport last night wearing her little black dress. She looked absolutely stunning, though I couldn’t help but notice how far her current style has drifted from the conservative, professional image she held just a few weeks ago. Once we were alone, she itted that this was the first time since last Friday that she had worn anything other than just her underwear or a bikini. I am ittedly relieved she did not have any academic or social obligations that forced her to venture out in such a state, as she has clearly been living in a private, suggestible cocoon of her own making.
We went straight to my place, where I conducted another session. I hypnotized her, working to set things straight and ground her temperament, which had become increasingly volatile and focused on sensory comfort. I am concerned that it may take several more sessions to fully correct the intensity of her current fixation, as she has been existing in a state of deep, unshakable suggestibility that I am only beginning to map.
Today, I spent time reviewing the audio recordings I had put together for her while I was away in California. I can already tell I was far too hasty in my approach. I was working on raw intuition rather than a refined, academic methodology. At the very least, I have a much clearer idea of how I need to proceed moving forward, balancing her natural responsiveness with a structured, long-term protocol. Jessica’s susceptibility to hypnosis is proving to be extremely strong—perhaps more so than I initially anticipated—and it is a powerful tool to hold. I need to do some focused reading and carefully map out the specific path I want to lead her down, ensuring I do not accidentally trigger a collapse in her academic performance while pushing these boundaries. Because she is such an exceptional subject, I have the luxury of time, and I must be more deliberate about where this is heading.
On a practical level, it is far too cold to expect her to continue this trend of underdressing in the current climate; it serves no purpose other than to make her physically miserable. If I can secure a permanent position in California with the firm hosting my internship, I am confident she will be willing to move out there with me. That would provide the perfect, controlled environment to make more permanent, lifestyle-integrated changes to her wardrobe and presentation, away from the prying eyes of her current peers.
On a side note, while in California, I attended a company party my uncle invited me to. I remained faithful to Jessica, despite several opportunities to do otherwise. However, I was struck by the number of women present who could only be described as “bimbos”. I have never personally found that aesthetic particularly attractive, yet I found myself repeatedly imagining Jessica as one of them. I find myself growing aroused at the thought of her as an airhead with bleached blonde hair, big fake breast, and a vacant, empty smile. It is an unexpected direction for my fantasies to take, but it is one I find myself increasingly eager to explore if Jessica trust me.
October 10th
This week has been grueling. I was absolutely swamped with schoolwork, tasked with handing in a full chapter for one thesis and an outline for another, not to mention a demanding history assignment. Adam helped me immensely in keeping up with the workload. Being exceptionally productive last weekend certainly helped, though I spent every waking moment of my days buried in work.
Adam has been having me take regular breaks for more hypnosis sessions. I honestly do not know what I would do without them. It is as if he has an intuitive sense for exactly when my productivity begins to lag, and he immediately offers me an induction. Without fail, after each session, I am flooded with a renewed, intense energy to dive back into my studies. Of course, in the evenings, he knows exactly how to distract me from my homework. I have never made love this often in my life, but I find I absolutely love it; it serves as the perfect signal for my brain to finally switch off for the night.
For the past two nights, I have finally been able to take a genuine break. After finishing my studies, I spent the time with Adam. Every day, I feel so incredibly special knowing he chose me. I used these last two days to express my gratitude to him in every way I could.
On Friday, immediately after handing in my thesis, I went shopping at the mall. All week long, I had been craving the idea of wearing sexy lingerie, but my current selection was pitifully limited. I certainly remedied that. I am almost hesitant to it exactly how much I spent, but I could tell Adam truly appreciated it when I posed for him after our dinner on Friday. I never have to wear my old, boring, nerdy underwear again.
Yesterday, Adam spent the entire day at my place after staying the night. We existed in a blissful, floaty haze. The only time I even attempted to get dressed was when I put on one of my new thongs while we were making dinner together. My memories of Saturday are ittedly quite hazy, though I distinctly begging Adam to hypnotize me at least twice.
This morning, I woke up with such a profound, post-orgasmic sense of well-being. Adam had to leave early to meet up with some friends, leaving me languishing around my apartment, struggling to pull myself together. I am honestly dreading the thought of returning to class tomorrow. If I could spend all my time as I did on Saturday, I would have a very hard time not giving up on everything else.
Damn, I cannot afford to overthink things like this. I need to stay focused. I have to get ready for class tomorrow—another busy week lies ahead. I truly do not know when I will find the time to write again.